Random Pensieve

Shattered Mirror Pieces

2008-10-01T22:41:00.001+08:00

Just saw the movie “Boy A” recently.

Made me think how unforgiving people are by nature. Worse, it made me think how unforgiving we are when it comes to ourselves.

How many times do we need to punish ourselves for mistakes we have done in the past? Why can’t we let old wounds heal? We allow ourselves to suffer again and again and again…

Like shattered mirror pieces scattered on the ground, left to be stepped on
So too do we find ourselves trampled further when we refuse to forgive ourselves.

If it were really that easy to forgive…

Can I Smile Like the Buddha?

2008-05-13T07:20:00.003+08:00

As long as we are governed by the negative emotions of craving and attachment that arise from a fundamental misunderstanding about the true source of happiness, we remain prisoners of suffering. – Mark Magill, “Why is the Buddha Smiling?”

What makes me truly happy?
- A job well done
- Time well spent with family or friends
- A good book and/or movie
- A well deserved compliment
- A bar of chocolate or a big slice of cake
- A full stomach
- A good night’s sleep or an after-meal nap
- A warm blanket on a chilly night
- A fluffy pillow and a soft bed
- The enlightened look on a person’s face after a lecture/training/coaching session
- The smile on a friend’s face when meeting for the first time after some time of being away from each other
- Laughter shared with friends/colleagues
- The touch and presence of a loved one
- The knowledge that I am doing ok

I look at my list above and know that there are more things that make happy, things, events or people that I can’t think of at the moment, lots of things, actually. The list could go on and on and on…

But no matter how long the list goes, why is it that I still find myself unhappy most of the time? I am not a hard person to please. I laugh easily. I get content easily. But why do I find it hard to tell myself that I am truly happy?

Why do I “remain a prisoner of suffering”?

What is the true source of happiness?

Walled

2008-05-01T18:10:00.006+08:00

Alive

2007-11-01T12:01:00.000+08:00

Nice to be alive

I should really start loving life more

Full Moon over Houston

2007-10-15T02:38:00.000+08:00

See between my eyes, the light that shines from inside...

River of Life

2007-06-21T17:42:00.000+08:00

Tatlong klase ng tao ang nakikita kong bumabaybay sa ilog ng buhay:

1. Swimmer – they know where they want to go and they do something about it. They can move against the current if required so they can get to where they want to be. This can be broken down further into the following:
a. Strong swimmer – can go far without stopping
b. Good swimmer – unable to sustain long periods of swimming
c. Weak swimmer – needs to be regularly resting
2. Floater – they let the current of the river bring them forward. They can be swimmers but they would rather float around and let the river bring them wherever it wills. If they see something interesting along the bank, they can paddle themselves there and look around but eventually they’d go back to floating.
3. Drifter – unlike the floaters who can be swimmers, drifters need something else to hold on to otherwise they will sink. They are brought along the river by the very object/person they cling on to.

All of us can be any of the three mentioned above at certain periods of our lives. A weak swimmer can be a floater for a period of time so he could recover the strength he lost while swimming. A drifter, on the other hand, may learn to be a floater or even a swimmer if he decides to learn and/or has taken it to himself to learn to float/swim.

2006-10-31T23:44:00.000+08:00

Sweep me off my feet, I beg you
Let me swoon thinking you love me
My knees turning liquid at the sound of your voice
Lifting me up to the heavens with your smiles

Sweep me off my feet, I beg you
Fire me up with your arms around me
Tickle me with your whispered sweet nothings
And cover me with your tender kisses

Sweep me off my feet, I beg you
Let me wake up each morning with your face on my pillow
Let me see love in your eyes as I open mine
Let me lie there by your side and bask in your love

Sweep me off my feet, I beg you
Be my refuge when the sea of life gets rough
A shelter when the storms get tough
A balm when the pain becomes too much

Sweep me off my feet, I beg you

2006-09-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

An angry heart, mine is
Blood boiling within its chambers
Flaming red as burning embers

An angry heart, mine is
Unrelenting, unforgiving
Never forgetting...

I EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!

But I am tired
Tired of being angry

And my heart is tired
Trying to keep it all in
My heart is hurting
Not able to let off all that steam

I don’t deserve this agony
Why should I be the one to suffer?
But how do you get mad
At someone who isn’t even there?

Eating me whole, from inside out
Gnawing at my spirit
Losing my soul every minute

I wish I could waive my right to be angry

Sa Fifth Floor Coffee Shop

2006-06-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

Ano itong ingay na aking naririnig?
Dalawang matsing ang nagpapataasan ng ihi!

Nyebe! Arabo?! Steak?! GI?!
Aba’t talo pa ang TVJ!
“Wala ka sa lolo ko…”
Kulang na lang, sabihin nila ito

Ah, naintindihan ko na
“American wives” ang tawag nila sa kanila
Asawa pala ng GIs ang mga muher!

Pakialam ko ba sa kanilang usapan
Oo, wala nga sana akong pakialam
Eh kaso kulang na lang gumamit ng megaphone
At ipagsigawan ang pinaguusapan!

Buti sana kung maingay ang lugar
Eh dyos ko! Tatatlo lang kami sa coffee shop!

Ayan, salamat naman at natahimik rin
Ang mga muher, nagutom yata at umalis rin
“Naglunch ka na ba?” “Oo tapos na”
“Tara labas tayo, ang lamig kaya dito.”

At muling nanumbalik ang kapayapaan
Nang ang dalawang matsing na nagpapataasan
Ayun at kumulo ang mga tyan sa sobrang daldal

Sa Palawan

2006-05-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

Dun ko unang narinig na umawit ka
Ano nga ba iyun? Ah, oo nga, “You”
Yun yung kinanta mo

Hawak mo ang mic samantalang abala
Naman ako sa half-cooked na buffalo wings na inorder natin
(Pero ang di mo napansin, ang pag kain ko’y
Isang ploy para di mo mahalata ang nasasaloob ko)

Nagtatalo noon ang isip at puso ko:
Was that song for me?
Or you simply just loved singing that song?

At that time, I let my heart win.
Ang kanta mong yun ay para sa akin!

Sira talaga ako for coming up with that lie!
But it was a good lie, it kept me hanging on.

Di ko alam kung may dapat sisihin
Sino nga bang nagkulang?
‘Di na yun importante

Sana ‘di na lang tayo umalis dun sa Palawan

Gusto kong balikan natin ang Palawan

2006-05-17T21:28:00.000+08:00

The moment I saw you, I’ve already wanted you
But all your eyes gave me were empty looks

When we touch, we touch as strangers
You leave me with nothing but emptiness inside

I don’t know if I love you, but I do know I miss you

When we are together we never talk about what we really feel
Damn, who am I kidding, we never talk at all!
And that leaves me wanting more

Was it all a game played over bottles of booze?
Or was it all as fleeting as the smoke we exhaled?
Those songs that you sang, were they really meant for me?
Or were they just songs, and nothing more?

Do I have a reason to hang on to what I thought we had?
Or should I let go and be thankful for what we’ve shared?

I want to move forward, with my steps in tune with yours
But I need you to tell me that you want this too

Never Dancing Alone

2006-05-14T21:21:00.000+08:00

Sa harap ng bukang liwayway, sa pagtakbo ng kadimlan
Lumabas ang mga daiad at nagwika ng kaalaman

Ang buhay ay isang sayaw, a rhythmic movement, a dance
Pag galaw sa saliw ng tunog ng buhay

At sa paglabas ng mga guro, a lesson given forth
You dance, but never alone

Spirit, air, light and thought
These are your partners, matutong makisayaw, makiulayaw

Nangungulila

2006-05-08T21:30:00.000+08:00

Baduy na kung baduy, anong magagawa ko
Eh kung sa nalulungkot ako sa pag alis ng ina ko

Kalan!

2006-04-01T00:25:00.000+08:00

Heto na, heto na
Araw na inaasam-asam
Narito na ang Sabado –
Araw ng kalan!

Ihanda ang baro
Maglagay ng pulbo
Narito na ang Sabado –
Araw ng kalan!

San man magpunta
Lagi nang alintana
Narito na ang Sabado –
Araw ng kalan!

Palingun lingon ang ulo
Pasulyap sulyap ang mga mata
Narito na ang Sabado –
Araw ng kalan!

At pagkagat ng dilim, O anong saya!
Halina’t umindak
Narito na ang Sabado –
Araw ng kalan!

Ibuhos ang cervesa
Linangin ang baga
Narito na ang Sabado –
Araw ng kalan!

Bump

2006-03-11T11:18:00.000+08:00

Its saturday and I just woke up after an evening of booze with officemates.

Masakit sa ulo pero ok lang, at least I have two days to rest and bum around.

Its a great closure to a very tiring week. Spending time with the team, a little dancing, a little pika pika and a lot of kwento and laughter.

Tapos movie-thon today hanggang tomorrow kung kakayanin. I need to return some DVDs I borrowed. Hehehe, almost a month na sa akin yung mga yun. Hopefully, I can finish most of them.

Anyway, the next few weeks will be very exciting. Daming mangyayari. Daming changes. Hopefully everything turns out ok.

Songs We Used to Sing To...

2006-02-13T03:37:00.000+08:00

I would know we’re from the same batch if:

1. kilala mo ang “The Chicklets”,

2. you dance to “wiggle it, just a little bit, as it moves…”

3. makakatawag ka sa pay phone kahit tatlong bente singko lang ang laman ng bulsa mo, oo, historically accurate ang kanta ni Dingdong (hindi Dantes)

4. kinakanta mo ang “new Cheers Golden Apple…”

5. pag nagto-toothbrush ka, ginagalaw mo ang ulo mo to the tune of “mother, father, brother, sister, how do you brush your teeth?...”

6. pag umpisa ng McGyver, sumasabay ka sa opening tune na “tentententententen tententen tententen…”

Happy New Year!!!!!!

2006-01-07T14:31:00.000+08:00

It has been quite a while since I wrote anything on this blog. There has been a lot of great changes that happened the last few months. Changes which, for some, seem to be steps backward. But I have never regretted any of my decisions. As a friend always say, "things happen for a purpose".

Well, what better way to restart writing by greeting everyone "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"

"Walk on Water"

2005-09-02T12:44:00.000+08:00

Below is something sent to me via the iVolunteer mail list. Makes me think that there is still hope for the Philippines.

Not everyone is asked to "walk on water" but I sure am glad that there are people like Dinky Soliman who, having received that call to walk on water, courageously stepped out of the boat.

Read on and be inspired...

I salute you, Ma'am Dinky!

Sunflower greetings to all.

I found time to write down my thoughts and here I am sharing it with
you.

WHY I RESIGNED FROM GOVERNMENT,
AND ASKED MY BOSS TO RESIGN AS WELL

A Personal Piece by Dinky Soliman (August 8, 2005)

I joined government as a member of President Gloria Macapagal-
Arroyo's Cabinet because of the principles that I believed in and
fought for in the last 30 years of my life. Justice, good governance,
equality, empowerment of the poor and marginalized, truth, freedom
and love are values and principles that had been the anchors of my
involvement in the struggle to transform society. It is because of
these same principles that I resigned from government service last
July 8, 2005 (exactly a month ago).

Most of you have journeyed with me in the struggle to keep DSWD as I
found it, insulated from politics. I admit there were some actions
that we did that were politically motivated; I had asked my
colleagues in DSWD to implement projects for political accommodation.
I apologize for those instructions.

It was always a struggle between good and evil: old habits of
traditional politics versus alternative new politics with communities
asserting their power. The first three years proved that the reforms
far outweighed the political accommodation. Specially when we were
able to launch KALAHI-CIDSS; catch up and be on time with commitments
on the Early Childhood Development program; install performance
management systems; set-up the standards for DSWD institutions (like
Golden Acres) as centers of excellence; start the Bright Child
campaign for early childhood education, and many more enhancements
for our on-going programs. These outweighed the discomfort I had with
the Balikatan exercise because I do not believe in foreign troops in
our country, and other activities which I felt have compromised my
principles. I was conscious that compromises allowed me to protect
the gains of the reform we were undertaking.

The period after the 2004 elections became very challenging. When I
thought that the President had a clear mandate, I anticipated that
there will be less political accommodation and we will zoom ahead on
reforms. Most of you were witness to a series of accommodations
including in the DSWD. The appointments of Cabinet members and heads
of revenue generating agencies were influenced by the factor
of "those who helped in the campaign". The last three months was
particularly difficult as the scandals were all coming out. It was so
disturbing that we have a jueteng scandal involving the highest
levels of government (that is the perception) after we threw out
former President Joseph Estrada on the same issue. The tapes, while
we do not prejudge the outcome of the investigation, definitely cast
doubt on the integrity of the President and in the electoral mandate
that she won.

I have discussed these issues with the President many times, alone
and with the whole cabinet, with the lady cabinet members. The last
three months especially we were discussing ideas on how to win back
the credibility from a high distrust by the people. There were two
schools of thoughts: 1} political survival at all costs 2} undertake
swift and credible action of reforms to survive politically and to
govern effectively and efficiently.

Last June 27 the President broke her silence on the tape. I felt hope
and was very encouraged because that was the signal to begin the
swift and credible actions of reform. Yes, I did sing and meant every
word I sang. Then the same pattern of non-action or slow action set
in, especially when it will affect people whom she owes a debt-of-
gratitude. The July 5, 2005 Cabinet meeting was a tipping point,
where it became clear that the frame of action is survival at all
cost.

On a personal note, the questions of my children regarding what is
right and what is wrong, what is true and what is false…..made me
realize that the only thing of real value I can leave to my children
is a sense of right and wrong. I made up my mind that I needed to
resign; I also asked her to resign for the sake of the country and
our future.

CREDIBILITY AND LEADERSHIP

The reforms that are needed to reduce and eventually eradicate
poverty require sacrifice from all sectors. There are those who need
to give up a significant amount of power and prestige; there are
those who will have to tighten their belts because to raise revenues
for poverty reduction programs of government we need to discipline
ourselves and raise tax collection. This has impact on the working
class thus they must also sacrifice over and above their own current
struggle.

To move the country forward, we need a leader who can unite the
country and undertake these difficult reforms. Unfortunately the
President herself is the cause of the division. While we are still
struggling to ferret out the truth from all the scandals, she
introduces another issue which will cause more division among us…
charter change. And yet she also agreed to have a Truth Commission
which she will organize to investigate her actions. And over the past
four weeks we have seen the resources of the government brought to
bear on a media blitz to recover her image. Time and energy of
Cabinet members have been used to defend the President and do things
other than their work in their own departments. This is the President
who is fighting for survival.

MEA CULPA

One question that has been often asked is if I stayed 4 years and a
half …was I not part of the mistake. I was. I believe that PGMA is a
product of her own personal history. She was exposed and has accepted
the practices of traditional politics such as pay backs, pay ups,
operations of dirty tricks; at the same time she also believed in
instituting reforms in the economic, social and governance spheres
using principles of transparency, accountability, and service to
the people. She believed that both worlds can exist in one person and
the dissonance and disconnect will not clash in her and in her
actions.

On hindsight, the same thing happened to me. I was able to develop a
team in DSWD that crafted and implemented a community driven
development program which was funded by the government through a US$
100 million loan from the World Bank. It brought to the most
marginalized communities the opportunity to use their power to
analyze the situation and develop solutions that will be implemented
by the community and there will be resources made available to them
through the projects. It was an empowerment program that had
resources and scale. It was so consistent with my vision of power to
the people and it covered 5000 barangays.

To get support for this program I had to work with the rest of the
Cabinet and President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. I had to be and was a
team player. So on the many times that protesters and critics of the
administration will be mobilized, I was to be part of the team if not
leading the effort of what I call now domesticating tactics. I had
directed my colleagues in DSWD to prepare packages of goodies for the
urban poor communities as either part of raffle draws, food for work
and family day activities to keep them from joining the rallies. We
even had medical civic action that had circumcision as part of the
package. I admit I was one of those who crafted that strategy; I
thought that rather than getting the urban poor out in the rally with
the potential of getting pounced upon or even violently dispersed, it
was better for them to stay in the community. In the meantime, most
of those who wanted numbers in the street began giving cash
incentives for the people to stand an hour or two for their rally.
The sacred right to stand up for your voice and be heard in the
street… the right that many of my friends had died for was now a
commercial transaction. Truly, this has led to the commoditization of
rights. This to me is the height of insult to the poor because we
know that they need the money thus we bought their time …but it was
not only their time that we bought…we bought their soul and in the
process destroyed our own too. Sadly, this was being done by the
opposition and the government.

So as I was undertaking the empowerment processes in the KALAHI-CIDSS
area, I was part of the domesticating process of the urban poor
communities. The urban poor organizations who I was relating with
began to see me as their patron as they get favors or first
information on the benefits from government.

I was living two sets of values now. I was like PGMA. I was
contradicting myself and counteracting my programs. Like PGMA
proclaims transparency and accountability but has several parallel
operations for an issue.

We were buying loyalty of the people. Instead of serving the people
as part of the responsibility of government, instead of recognizing
that the services we were providing were the rights of the citizenry,
we invoked the utang-na-loob syndrome, exacting loyalty instead of
recognizing that it is the right of the citizen and the taxpayer, to
exact services and programs from government. We used our resources
and power to domesticate the urban poor. I violated a basic principle
which I had fought for so long, empowerment of people…I was party to
their disempowerment.

ON LOYALTY

One of the strongest criticisms hurled against me was my disloyalty.
How could a Cabinet member, a perceived close friend of the
President, have the gumption to ask her boss to resign?? Even some of
my friends silently believed that I could have made a mistake in my
action. I have been reflecting on this point; it was not an easy
decision as I have narrated. It was a long and agonizing process; it
was to wake up everyday and ask if I am still consistent with my
principles and the people I vowed to serve.

Then VP GMA knew about Dinky only in October 2000. Contrary to
popular belief, I am neither a classmate nor a long time associate.
We had a common vision for good governance which was born in the
struggle against the Estrada government. Over the 4 years and 6
months that we worked together we developed a bond of respect for
each other; got pleasantly surprised that we had some shared values
and even common personal likes and dislikes on people. I treasure the
relationship and would have wished that I did not have to do what I
did. I know it hurt her and it pains me that I had to do what I had
to do.

It was clear to me that I was in government because of the principles
and vision that I believed we shared. The source of her authority
emanated from the people by virtue of the mandate they gave her (both
in EDSA II and the 2004 election). While it is true that PGMA
appointed me to my post, my loyalty to the people is higher than my
loyalty to her because ultimately, we are all accountable to the
people. I believed that the reforms and the truth were compromised
because she has lost credibility and leadership.

It could have been easier if I just resigned and carried on with my
life in development work. But then I would not have only been party
to disempowering the poor, I have also been disempowered. Some of you
might say to me……Hello…. Wake up, government is all about
compromises… I say the people deserve more than compromise. If we
want our democracy to work for all especially the disempowered and
oppressed then we all have to make our stake, be involved in making
it work as an active citizen of this democracy. We have to Speak up
and Act now.

Today's gospel spoke of the time when Jesus walked on the water
towards the boat of the apostles. Most of them were frightened and
thought Jesus was a ghost. But Peter was inspired and he jumped the
boat and walked in the water too. He was pummeled by the waves and
the lightning, and wavered, but ultimately he kept the faith and did
not sink.

We too have taken our "walk in the water". We too have been at the
eye of a storm, and have been called traitors and have suffered a lot
of humiliation. But we believe that our children deserve a truthful
society and leadership with integrity. I have not taken an easy path,
but we hope to keep the faith, and keep our heads above the waters of
despair and indifference.

Dear Random Pensieve,

2005-07-31T17:06:00.000+08:00

Hi! Haven’t seen you for quite a while. Sorry if I haven’t visited you for a long time. Busy lang talaga.

I’ve changed job, haven’t you heard? I’m still based in Ortigas, though. That is the major reason I have not dropped by these past few months. Medyo iba ang work schedule. My shift starts in the afternoon and ends around midnight. Would have given me ample time to do stuff in the morning, but I am too tired to do anything else.

New work is ok, though. The first month was an informal hands-on training. Ok nga eh. Transition was easy kasi I’ve worked with some of the people here. My coach, Anthony, was a classmate in college. Sharon (who gave me the referral) and Dennis, I have worked with previously in Alabang. I’ve also seen a few classmates from high school in the facilities.

I’m taking swimming lessons, nga pala. Alam mo naman I’ve always wanted to swim. I am at my element when I am in the water. I know how to swim but I want to know how to do it properly. I intend to continue swimming even after lessons end. It’s a good exercise. This means I may have to lessen smoking (aargh!). The pool is just across the street from the office but lessons are early morning Sundays. Saya!

My raket would have taken off nicely, kaso with the change of schedule medyo nagulo ang production schedule ko. The past few weeks dami nang naghahanap kaya I have to start producing items ulit.

No, I have not been dating. More than a year na rin. Yung date na totoo ha. I have been going out pero kasama barkada.

By the way, met Mitch/Joey when he was here. We went to see the Tres Marias before he went back. Susy owes me a date (no, not her! She promised to hook me up with someone). Anyway, let the universe take its course.

Everything’s looking ok naman for me. I am officially on the second cycle of my chart na. Fresh start. Hopefully, the decisions I did the past few months are the right ones. Mahirap na. I might not be given another chance for a new start.

As you might be finding out while reading this, there wasn’t much that happened to me during my absence. I hope to be able to get in touch with you more regularly. Wala lang.

Hanggang sa muling pagkikita,

Mike

Day Off

2005-05-23T16:04:00.000+08:00

I love day offs...

Got to see my copy of "Bootmen" again this morning. Made me want to dance again. I mean really dance, as in on stage. Going on rehearsals, being in a studio with huge mirrors all around me. Being with uber talented dancers, feeling so incompetent yet enjoying every moment of it. That's how much I love dancing.

I terribly miss my dancing "career", even if it just lasted for three months. Those were crazy times. Rehearsing dance steps until the sun was about to rise, going to school after a few hours of sleep, taping on weekends and missing out on ROTC training...

That was almost eight years ago...

I have not "danced" ever since. I miss that. I may never have that chance again. I go out once in a while and dance the night away, but it's never the same. It never will be, but it doesn't matter that much. I had my moment. That is enough for me.

Now, I am content watching my copies of "Bootmen", "Centerstage" and others like them.

Harry Mania

2005-05-11T15:06:00.000+08:00

Saw production photos of the latest installment of the Harry Potter Movie Series, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".

Didn't see still shots of Cho Chang, that would be very interesting. (So Heart Evangelista didn't get it? Oh my! Hehehehe). I read somewhere else that a certain Ms. Leung got the role (if it makes any difference, I personally think Ms. Evangelista looked a lot better than Ms. Leung).

Cedric Diggory, Viktor Krum and the pesky Rita Skitter were shown. Very interesting!

I was wondering, if Heart were to play the role of Cho Chang, would Geoff Eigenmann take on Cedric Diggory's character? Hehehehe.

On a related matter, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" would be released in 2 months time. I wouldn't mind receiving an early birthday gift in july (*wink*wink*).

image from http://movies.yahoo.com

Sorry Guys

2005-05-09T12:45:00.000+08:00

Remembered this site from way, way before. I just thought it would be fun to post this here.

Hope the others wouldn't mind.

note: the mobile number posted on the site doesn't exist anymore

Kingdom of Heaven

2005-05-04T12:19:00.000+08:00

Got free invites to the premiere showing of Kingdom of Heaven last night.

I wouldn't want to spoil the fun for Orlando Bloom fans everywhere so I wouldn't say anything about the movie except that it's quite long. Be prepared to sit the movie out.

It wouldn't hurt to review your history lessons as well. Hehehe.

As this is not a movie review blog, I will not rate the movie. Just go, watch and find out for yourself if you will like it or not.

I'm 29?!

2005-04-30T02:46:00.000+08:00

Got myself into an awkward (did I get the spelling right?) situation recently.

I was asked for my age and, without batting an eyelash, said, "I am 28 turning 29 this year."

I just realized my mistake when a friend of mine reacted violently when I told him the story. He said, "Anong 28, 29 ka na 'no, turning 30 this year!"

Now, don't get me wrong. My age has never been an issue. Honestly, it just slipped my mind (ooohhhh... I can even now see the faces of my friends!).

Life is such an interesting event that I wouldn't want to miss a single day of it. Not by any chance.

So, if by chance you hear me say that I am 28 turning 29 years old this year, just remind me. It's just the child within me trying to tide back the ebb of time.

Oh, Summer

2005-04-29T12:46:00.000+08:00

The Fires of Bel are upon us
Amon Ra, in Cancer, does pass
When hands are fast
And longer days last
Oh, how long, shall Gaia remain parched?

Undeniably, summer is upon us once more, when long, hot days give way to short, warm nights.

A few nights ago, rain started to fall. One can hear Gaia sighing in temporary relief. I could not help but go out and stay under the rain for a much needed reprieve from the summer heat. It was also my way of welcoming the blessings that that isolated shower will bring.

The Great Mother holds back, but She showers blessings at just the right moment.

The Well has been replenished. I go and fetch at the Well.

That T Word

2005-04-21T17:56:00.000+08:00

Today, an officemate was terminated. As I do not want to go through what happened the last time, I will refrain from making any comments that I might regret later on.

However, what happened today made me re-think who I can and cannot trust.

I am trusting by nature. I have always believed that man is inherently good.

Lately, though, I have noticed that in some instances, I have been wrong in trusting some people. I am a poor judge of character. That is my weakness. Show me a little kindness and/or trustworthiness, and my impression sticks.

What happened today made me realize that this has to change.

I need to be more discerning of the people I trust.

Trust is important to me. I do my best to maintain people's trust on me. I find it difficult to be in a relationship where there is no trust.

The event today proved that some people just cannot be trusted. Ironically, these are the same people who have difficulty trusting others. I may never know their reasons for this, but one thing is for sure: I cannot thrive in an environment where trust is never valued.

I am at a cross-road (yes, again). May guidance be mine.

Mike's Back

2005-04-19T14:13:00.000+08:00

Someone I was chatting with a few days ago commented that I haven't updated my blog recently. My bestest bestfriend also called my attention to this fact last week.

I must agree, it has been a month since I last posted. But the thing was, my blog got screwed up (template-wise) and I was too lazy (well, too busy also) to fix it. I think I got it straightened already (Albert, you were right, about the width thingie, I guess I unknowingly changed it the last time I edited my template).

Anyhooo, I think I'm back. Tired. Need a break, actually.

Got sick recently (flu) and was bed-ridden for three days. Went back to work immediately after feeling a wee-bit better. Haven't had time to completely recover.

Tired.

Update

2005-03-10T15:35:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I updated this blog (in this regard, everyone I know seem to have not updated their's as well).

Just want to let everyone know that I am still alive. Still enjoying life.

However, some things have changed.

1. I am normally tactless. I speak my mind. Recently, I "wrote" my mind. The result wasn't that nice but all's well that ends well (I hope). Blogging is a right. But just like every right, there is a corresponding responsibility to it. I just hope I am always aware of this.

2. On a lighter note, I love what Saturn's return is doing in my life. I am being challenged to the very core of my belief system. Priorities are clearer now than before. Goal-setting is easier. Happiness and enjoyment are attainable. I hope I can keep it that way.

3. Largely due to the karmic cycle I am in right now, and partly due to the career shift that I underwent, I am enjoying honing my crafts at the moment: a) I have been given a volunteer opportunity for an electronic magazine where I will be wearing the Editor-in-Chief cap in an upcoming issue, b) I am having a blast with regards to the cleaning compounds business I am trying to put up. I am like busy doing orders most part of the week that I usually sleep so late na (tired but smelling soooo good and clean hehehehe), c) I am enjoying coordinating the opening of my boss's canteen and looking forward to it's operation.

4. It has been a while since I went back and stayed at my mom's place. It's so nice to wake up each morning to hear my nephew laughing (or crying, depending on his mood). It's so nice to come home each evening expecting to see the next episode of "Spirits" and "Krystala" with my mom and brother. It's interestingly nice to argue with my younger brother concerning household expenses and share a stick of cigarette and a mug of soda afterwards.

I just hope that the powers that be be kind enough to continue blessing me and strengthening me.

Brightest blessings to everyone!

It's Official!

2005-02-15T16:11:00.000+08:00

Beginning tomorrow, I will be part of the government's statistics on unemployed Filipinos.

I feel a little sad. I have grown attached to my PC, having shared 2 years of active, professional life with it. Hehehehe

But seriously, I am presently both happy and mad.

Happy because I can move on. I can do stuff I have wanted to do but couldn't because of lack of time or because it was unethical. I am free, and for that I am happy.

Mad, also, because I have been back-stabbed. I was a willing victim of an a**-licking and double-crossing intellectual leech! I shared everything I know with this low-life who knew a lot about selling equipment but nothing of process design. What do I get in return? Nothing but negative vibes! Oh, if only I had not promised to myself not to leak certain information to the industry...

But as it is, I am bound to keep this information to myself. I will let divine justice to take its course (with a little prodding from me once in a while to expedite it).

I am not completely in the losing end, though. I have been offered (by the same management) to take a rather drastically different path, albeit an interesting one.

I am cautiously weighing out my options. I am at that stage where what I do will determine the next 29 years of my life.

I am thankful that all these are happening now. My eyes are being slowly opened. I am learning.

The teacher will come when the pupil is ready, as the old saying goes. I hope I am an apt pupil (as an aside, I love this Stephen King short story).

An old chapter has just closed. A new one is beginning.

I pray for the strength and the grace to stand and move on...

2005-02-15T16:10:00.000+08:00

By the way, for those asking, no I didn't have a date last night. I spent 2 hours in the brahma castle with my brother desperately trying to deal with shivan attackers and upgrading our status in the ashram in the process.

If you can't understand what I mean, you need to look around.

Heart Check

2005-02-04T11:02:00.000+08:00

I am posting here an email I received from a friend who had just lost a loved one. It contains a very beautiful eulogy which touched my heart. This made me forget about my own real and present needs/worries temporarily, and check where my heart is.

To Jan, who wrote this eulogy, my sincerest condolences. You are one of the truest people I have met and known. For that alone I am thankful. But for always being a source of inspiration and wisdom, I am even more blessed.

HI

THANKS FOR BEING WITH ME IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME,,I AM SAD BUT WITH FRIENDS LIKE U TO BE THERE IN SPIRIT, I GUESS ILL MAKE IT THROUGH..HE DIED OF HEART ATTACK AT 58,,,HE WAS CREMATED LAST SUNDAY AND HIS ASHES BURIED IN LOYOLA IN MARKINA..SOME WILL GO TO US KIDS

TAKE CARE

JAN

--------------

DAD WENT HOME
(a eulogy for my father)

I want to forget the day that my dad passed away. Yet I will remember him.

I ‘ll remember the times going grocery shopping with him at Cherry food o rama. I won’t forget the time he would take me to the barber shop. He would ask me to buy bread with him so we can have midnight snack together. I won’t forget the nights that we would stay up late and he would answer all my questions in world history. Dad was my first history teacher. He would pick me up at my parties or at UST, and sometimes, he would drive me and my sister to our prayer meetings. I won’t forget the times he took us out of town every weekend to visit his work place, eat bulalo and swim in the resorts nearby.

I know that dad did not have much to give .When I talked to him, he would apologize to me for not having any money to help me in the US or for my wedding gift..I told him that it was his kids turn and he had done enough for us. I told him to stay healthy and hang in there because I was coming home soon with my wife ,Tairii(teri).

My American dream was not for me altogether , it was for my parents too so I can petition them to live with me in the US. Ever since I came to the US , my dad was unable to visit me so it was my goal after my wedding to see him. I was too late. I will regret this for the rest of my life not seeing him for one last time.

I spoke to my dad three days before he died and he told me it was good of me to have gone and sought my future in America. I ask him how his health was and he said he was fine. I got pictures of him and he looked really healthy compared to the time I last saw him. My dad would conceal his suffering in order for us not to be sad.

Though he did not have much, my dad gave me freedom. He was very understanding because he knew that he will have to be away from his two kids for a long while so that they can pursue their dreams in the US and have a better life. He had nothing of value to leave us as pamana but he gave us freedom to be ourselves and to seek what we want to do with our lives to make our lives better.

My dad loved each of his three children as if he only had one child to love. I will surely miss him terribly and I hope he will forgive me for all the times I was not a good son.

When dad died, I went to see my sister Jolina and drove in tears on the free way. I was so weak but I knew my sister needed me and so I talked to my dad as if his spirit was there to just ride beside me so I can make it through the long drive. Its funny that I treat him now as my guardian angeland I really believe that he is with me forever.

I want to thank everyone here present who had given my dad care and love in these last few days.We all feel a lot of mixed feelings: ,sadness ,shock,denial, anger etc. but one thing is sure we all feel that my dad should not be dead.

Jan

Hmmmm....

2005-01-31T17:20:00.000+08:00

It's 5:30 PM by my PC clock.

Just received information that we will have a staff meeting tomorrow at 9:00 AM.

The agenda wasn't revealed. But definitely, it concerns the company's shutdown (i.e. does it close officially today or do we have an extension?)

Whatever it is, I have set my mind into looking at alternative careers. As if I have a choice.

Anyway, we'll find out tomorrow.

Aftermath

2005-01-21T16:36:00.000+08:00

Still havent fully processed what just happened. Ive been texting former officemates asking for vacancies. Texted my brother too. He's understandably upset.

On my desk is a Smokey's Hotdog Sandwich. Something given to us after the meeting. A dole out, so it seems. I havent touched it. Afraid that if I eat it now, it would be the last Smokey's Hotdog Sandwich I'd eat for a while.

And I am supposed to do some revisions on a design proposal that we submitted two weeks ago. My mind's a blank. I have been looking at the spreadsheet since after the staff meeting. Nothing's coming out.

It's funny. Yesterday I was talking to someone who was offering me to do freelance design work for them. I told them that it would be difficult to do freelance work without the company I'm working for right now finding out. Well now, I guess, is the right time to send them a faxed copy of my freelance rates.

Funny also how I've been deleting emails sent by JobsDB and JobStreet without opening them so as not to be tempted to even consider applying. Well now, I guess, is the right time to visit the job search sites.

My mom once told us that our lolo used to tell how the new year would fare by observing the first animal sound he would hear during the parting of the year.

This year, as the old year bid farewell and the new year came with a bang, a cat in heat was meowing (I dont know how to call the sound made by a tabby in heat).

It was a good sign, I believe. A promise of productivity and fertility; as long as a tomcat would come and answer the call, that is.

So that is that. All I need to do now is heed the call of the tabby.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

P.S. I am about to take the first bite off the Hotdog Sandwich. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub... and more to come!

Quo Vadis

2005-01-21T13:55:00.000+08:00

Just came from a staff meeting just now. Our EVP told us a very interesting story.

It seems that the company can survive until the end of the month only.

Shocking, isnt it? Well, that was the first staff meeting we had where everyone was quiet.

Hmmm.... what to do? what to do?

Time to update my resume, perhaps...

A "Cleaner" Year

2005-01-17T13:11:00.000+08:00

Finally, after weeks of planning, I have finished, over the weekend, my first batch of base material for my home-made detergent.

Well, actually I came up with three batches. The first one got over-cooked (red detergent, anyone?), the second one was under-cooked (how about some pasty detergent?), the last batch, however, was just perfect. For a first-time manufacturer, that is.

I have to wait for a week, though, to complete the required curing of the batch. By this weekend I'll be adding in the finishing touches. Haven't bought new supplies of oils yet, so I'll just be using whatever I'm using in my oil burner (hmmm, lavender or eucalyptus scented detergent, anyone? hehehe).

I'm excited and looking forward to going "full blast" with this project. After a lousy year (2004 having fallen right smack in the middle of my first saturn return), I am looking forward to a more productive, focused, and yes, cleaner year.

Remembering Concepcion "Ching" Dadufalza

2005-01-05T15:43:00.000+08:00

I wanted my first post for the new year to be an evaluation of the past year and my expectations for the new one. However, I came across this post from psychicpants.net concerning one of my instructors in college and I can't help but remember her and honor her at the same time.

In freshman college, I knew "Concepcion Dadufalza" as the author of that reddish book "Reading Into Writing I". This was the first book I reluctantly bought in college. We were actually REQUIRED to buy it because of the exercises.

After freshman english, I totally forgot about "Concepcion Dadufalza". She was just one of those people who wrote a textbook. She wasn't a person to me. Just a shadow of the book.

A few years after that in the first day of my Hum 2 (or was it Comm 3) class, this frail looking old lady with huge tinted prescription glasses came wobbling into the room. She was wearing a dress usually worn by old ladies serving in church. To me, she was ancient!

The entire room was suddenly quiet as this old lady took her place "front and center". She went to the board and wrote down her name : "Professor Concepcion Dadufalza". I was shaken. This was the first time that I was going to meet a real-life author.

And then she faced the class and spoke. What she said escapes my memory but her stare (at that time I didn't know that she was nearly blind) was something else. Her voice, low and husky, also carried authority.

She lost no time in enumerating her expectations and drilled us on taking down notes of assigned readings. The semester was set. We were to read "Hope for the Flowers", "The Little Prince" and Dosteovsky's "Brothers Karamazov", aside from the standard required readings. She meant business. And her's was the only class where we had a sitting arrangement, which meant a seat in front for me.

As nerve-wracking as the daily oral recitations were, I always looked forward to her class (it being after a Math subject). No one dared come to class unprepared. She was merciless in her questioning. Ruthless in demanding insights to the topic at hand. But she was so full of wisdom. She gave justice to the word "guru". She emanated wisdom.

As close as I was to her in class, I never really felt her power as I did one time I met her on the hallway going to class.

She was her usual "frail-looking old lady"-self. It wasn't in my nature to approach an instructor outside class for trivialities but something told me to come to her that time.

I introduced my self as one of her students and helped her walk up the stairs. She held on to my arms, not as a weak old lady, but as a mentor giving the pupil some sense of power.

That was also the first time I found out that she was nearly blind. When I approached her, she looked up (she walked stooping low) and gazed at me. And then, smiling, said, "Hijo, I remember your voice but you see, I can't see you that clearly".

It was a short five-minute walk. On the way, we talked about, not the lessons in class, but lessons in life. She was sharing her thoughts on how different people were during her time. Much of what she told me that time left me questioning who and what I was. Pretty much like the balm of Gilead to the wounded soul.

I was with her for just one semester. That's three hours per week for just 4 months. A really short time to know a person well. Yet that was all that was necessary for Ching Dadufalza to influence my life.

Just for her sheer dedication to her work, Prof. Dadufalza shall always be remembered in her field.

But for her wisdom to know what to say at the appropriate time, she shall always be remembered in my heart.

May the powers that be (and God, whom she believed strongly and kept vigil with everyday) bless her with their eternal communion with her spirit.

RP Could Be World's 5th Mining Power, Says ArroyoA reaction to an article which appeared in PDI

2004-12-06T16:53:00.000+08:00

I read an article in last Friday’s paper about the prospect of the Philippines becoming a major mining country. It lauded the Supreme Court’s decision to declare as constitutional the Mining Industry Liberalization Law which allows, among other things, the entry of foreign players in the mining sector. The article also quoted a NEDA estimate of the economic potential of the country’s mineral deposits.

The numbers in the report/estimate are staggering. A whooping P1.8 trillion annual contribution to the nation’s coffers is expected. This, as the article states, is equivalent to 36% of the country’s gross domestic product. The economic potential is placed at P47 trillion, or 15 times the country’s foreign debt.

These numbers should not be ignored in the face of the fiscal crisis that the country is experiencing right now. Although, I must add, that we must not be blinded either by the huge amount that the country could get from exploiting our resources.

What struck me most about the article, however, was not the NEDA estimate nor the Supreme Court decision, but the reaction of some people to the report itself.

A militant scientists’ group [sic] cited rapid environmental degradation as a downside to this report. The group stated that “the Supreme Court and the Arroyo administration were ignoring the effects of mining on the environment and the people”. The leader of the group further stated that “foreign mining corporations had caused rapid environmental degradation in the country”.

Church people, meanwhile, cited past catastrophes related to environmental degradation to dissuade further prospecting and exploration.

I am actually saddened, and insulted at the same time, by their reactions for the following reasons:

Their reaction presupposes that Filipino engineers and environmental practitioners (note that I didn’t use the term environmentalists) are incapable of implementing sound mining and environmental practices,

That a proper response to tragedies and past mistakes is to run back to our caves, mope and hope that “the bad man will be gone” the next time we venture out,

That we do not have the capacity to practice vigilance (not vigilante-ism) at the same time that we are trying to build an economically viable industry,

And that the only way to protect the environment is not to touch it (which, to me, is a very classic environmentalist view point).

These people are doing us, Filipino engineers and environmental practitioners, a disservice by denying us the chance to practice what we know here in our own country. By lobbying against the liberalization of the mining industry, these people are denying us our chance to interact with and learn from experts in the field. It is no wonder then that many bright minds opt to work abroad than be intellectually stifled here in our own land.

We do know better now, don’t we? And the available technologies are just there for the taking. All we have to do is choose the one that will best suit our requirements (i.e. technology- and culture-wise). Let us learn from the past, not run away from it. Let us not live in fear of the unknown, but rather conquer the unknown and tame it.

AND PLEASE, LET US NOT SOW FEAR IN THOSE WHO KNOW LESS, BUT RATHER, IN THE NAME OF SERVICE TO GOD, MAN AND COUNTRY, LET US EDUCATE THEM!

Because, She Too, Can

2004-11-30T18:22:00.000+08:00

I usually pass over the Marikina Bridge on my way to work. This morning was no different.

Or so I thought...

As of last Sunday morning, the Marikina Riverbank was host to the annual Christmas tiangge (bazaar). This year's tiangge saw the longest row of stalls ever set up for the event. This year also is marked by the highest rental rate for a space in the bazaar.

What I saw this morning, however, gave me goose bumps.

After a little over 24 hours of non-stop, heavy rain, the expected did happen...

The Marikina river overflowed. Bringing along with its strong currents, the dingy stalls of the bazaar with all the merchandise.

It was sad knowing that the damage could never be undone. All the goods have been washed away. They could never even be used by those people downstream who may be able to get hold of them. A total loss of investment.

I was actually contemplating about what I learned over the weekend. It struck me to realize that, as we do the things we do because we can, so can Mother Nature do the things she does because she could!

It was awesome to see the river, which is usually still and stagnant, move about and swirl with the strong currents. I was dumb struck at how feeble we really are before Mother Nature.

No, I wouldn't consider it an act of anger by Mother Nature. And environmentalists can shout 'til their voices are hoarse that what happened was due to improper garbage disposal and illegal logging, but, hey, i'm in the environmental field myself, and there's no reason to point at garbage and fallen trees everytime something like this happens.

I still consider this a reminder of Mother Nature's heretofore unacknowledged power. She can do this because she too can.

Because I Can

2004-11-30T17:26:00.000+08:00

I was watching this guy on t.v. last weekend explain how he lost his phone and how pictures of him in compromising poses have been spreading over text (sms) messages.

The show's host asked why he kept such pictures in his phone. The guy answered the usual excuses (i.e. memories, etc.).

It came to my mind, however, that the main reason was because he could.

It was so plain and simple, almost idiotic even, to realize that we do stuff because we can.

But it is the utter simplicity of the reason behind most of our actions that really makes me wonder. It is the single, most honest answer one can give to the question why we do the things we do.

In recent months, I have come to believe that truth is verified by experience. And that there is no absolute "truth", only shared "truths". What may be "true" for me may not be "true" for others, and so is the reverse, because we have different experiences (i.e.different paradigms).

Doing the things we do because we can is a shared "truth", in that, many can verify, and have verified, this by experience. It is, by itself, also amoral (i.e.neither moral nor immoral). It is a basic "truth" devoid of principles and prejudices.

I didn't mean to go philosophical on this. I was just really struck by the simple reason behind all that we do. And I can do this because I can.

Revisiting "Hope for the Flowers"

2004-11-16T18:48:00.000+08:00

I bought a copy of Trina Paulus' "Hope for the Flowers" yesterday.

I first got acquainted with the book way back in college, as a reading assignment for Prof. Ching Dadufalza's Humanities class. Back then what struck me most about the story was the "caterpillar pillar" and how everyone seems to want to get to the top of the pillar.

In recent months, however, I have been getting this nagging feeling that I should read the book once more. A voice inside me kept saying:

"the answer lies within 'Hope for the Flowers'"

Last night, despite my fatigue, I browsed through the book and, true enough, a few lines jumped out of the pages and went right through my consciousness.

Here are some of them:

"She [yellow caterpillar] felt like doing something, anything, rather than this uncertain waiting.

'What in the world do I really want?' she sighed.

'It seems different every few minutes.

'But I know there must be more.'

Finally, she became numb and wandered away from everything familiar."

"'Tell me, sir, what is a butterfly?'

'It's what you are meant to become. It flies with beautiful wings and joins the earth to heaven. It drinks only nectar from the flowers and carries the seeds of love from one flower to another.'

'Without butterflies the world would soon have few flowers.'"

"'How does one become a butterfly?' she asked pensively.

'You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.'

'You mean to die?' asked Yellow, remembering the three who fell out of the sky.

'Yes and No," he answered.

'What looks like you will die but what's really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away. Isn't that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?'"

'During the change, it will seem to you or to anyone who might peek that nothing is happening - but the butterfly is already becoming.

'It just takes time!'

I am still reeling from the experience of last night. I am in the process of absorbing the knowledge in those words. They are not yet rhema to me, but, as the book puts it, it's "already becoming".

I guess it is no coincidence that whenever the universe has something to tell me, the butterfly is always there to deliver the message.

"Monarch Butterfly" image courtesy of jan

Pasan ko si Jollibee™!

2004-11-11T17:03:00.000+08:00

Kuha ito ng kapatid ko nung linggo sa Jollibee™ Parang Marikina.

Yan ang nagagawa ng puyat!

VCD Shopping Binge

2004-11-09T16:21:00.000+08:00

A video shop near the office dropped their prices this week. Sucker that I am for discounts, the following VCDs found themselves in my shopping basket:

Lord of the Rings Collection (PhP 650)

Kill Bill Volume 1 (PhP 150)

Legally Blonde 1 and 2 (PhP 99 each)

Les Miserables and Superstar: Dare to Dream (Buy 1, Take 1 at PhP 150)

That's a grand total of PhP 1,148 for 8 VCDs. Not a bad deal.

As they say, good things come to those who wait.

Birthday Gift for the Birthday Boy and Other Stuff

2004-11-04T16:54:00.000+08:00

The love of my life is celebrating his first birthday today!

Medyo may sumpong kaninang umaga kaya when I was singing to him, he was making annoyed sounds (or was it because of my ehem... singing voice?).

Had lunch at Megamall today and spoke with an officemate/friend about stuff. She also helped me look for some clothes for my pamangkin for his birthday party on Sunday. Exciting!

By the way, saw "Forgotten" last night. Crazy movie. But Julianne Moore was her usual "great actress" self. Really love her.

I hope I will never ever forget any one dear to me. Not my family, not my friends.

Also had a very interesting conversation with Albert last night.

Levelled Up to Mage!

2004-11-02T18:15:00.000+08:00

My novice character levelled up to Mage yesterday. Yipee!

However, I found out just today that I've been building my Mage wrong. You see, I was randomly picking up the skills that I thought would be useable. But I read in a certain website that I should be picking particular skills if I want my Mage to be really powerful. Well, it's never too late to shift to Plan B, right?

And, it's never too late to shift to Plan B in real life, as well. Assuming, of course, that one has a Plan B or one even has a Plan A, for that matter.

Feeling ko, like my Mage, I should be changing my game plan na. It's appropriate since I just levelled up (just turned 29, remember?).

Sana I could find a website din where I could learn how and where to pick up the essentials for the path that I am choosing for myself.

And, like my Mage who had to "/leave" his current party, I may have to say good bye temporarily to some people, activities and ideas that I have gotten used to na.

Sabi nga ng mga taga IPIC: "Hataw Na!"

Day 1

2004-10-31T10:56:00.000+08:00

It's a day after my birthday.

I'm at the office, blogging. Haven't had any sleep yet. Had a blast of a party last night (hehehehe).

I'm 29 years old. Bummer.

Nothing much to write about right now. Brain is at auto-shut off.

Of Purpose and Passion

2004-10-29T16:09:00.000+08:00

Some people live life with passion...

Others live life with a purpose...

And there are a few who live life both with passion and purpose...

I envy people who have found their passion, who have taken what they love doing most as their prime motivation in living their respective lives...

I envy people who have found their purpose, who have taken up their calling bravely and sought to accomplish it fully...

Unfortunately, I am neither of the three...

No, I am not living my life aimlessly...

And, yes, some things do interest me...

But there is nothing in my life that stands out as my sole purpose or my foremost passion...

Maybe I'm just too blind to see either...

Or maybe I've just been denying it...

Maybe I'm not even ready to accept the responsibility...

Who knows...

I don't...

Ahhh... Love

2004-10-22T14:24:00.000+08:00

There is hope for humanity!

The two links below are from the separate livejournal accounts of two special people, one of which is my bestfriend.

Two types of love from two people full of love.

I love you guys!

Coming Out to the Family
Making an Impact in Other People's Lives*

*Note: Loved this post! Reinforces my belief that man is inherently good.

A Little Dose of Laughter

2004-10-21T09:22:00.000+08:00

It's 9:35 AM and I'm already at the office. For those who do not know me, 9:35 AM is quite an achievement. I was actually in by 7:30 AM but had to get a little shut eye since I haven't had any sleep since yesterday.

But that is not my point.

Since I was early (indulge me on this, please), I went checking the blogs of my friends for new posts and, at the same time, check out new blogs as well.

One of my favorite is Komedya. This blog I check regularly, specially during very stressful days. Reading the posts never fails to put a smile on my face, at the very least.

Just today, I stumbled upon this particular article in an interesting e-journal: Times New Romance. As always, the laughter the article solicited helped brighten up what would have been a long and tiring day at the office.

I love laughter. I love laughing at my self and with others (is this politically correct enough for everyone?). I am not good at delivering jokes, but I know a good joke when I hear one. Incidentally, I was awarded the "Most Infectious Laughter" in high school (no joke!).

Laughter has helped me and my family get through tough times. We laughed through our parents' separation (it was actually very surreal). Laughter allowed the wounds to heal faster, and forgiveness to flow unhindered.

When I was in college and my parents were struggling to support my studies, laughter allowed us to see through the fog of doubts and the hurdles of financial difficulties.

For someone who loves a good laugh, I have a very serious face. That is why I love looking at people who smile a lot. I love to be with people who know how to have lots of fun. I can spend hours just listening to and laughing at an interesting story.

I love working with people who have a great sense of humor. Laughter helps relieve tension at work and creates a conducive atmosphere for productivity at the office.

I am thankful for every chance to laugh, and a little dose of laughter each day is a healthy self-prescription I hope I can continue taking.

Of Blog Design and Office Memo

2004-10-08T16:51:00.000+08:00

Added a new thingie in my blog (see below, as in waaay down there). Hope to fill it up with pictures and other stuff. I'm in some kind of blog design frenzy, which i know is temporary. I don't intend to do super stuff with the blog anyway. Just making it less "template-y" and more "me".

Also, a general office memo was circulated the other day highlighting, among other things, tardiness, absenteeism and proper office attire. Made me wonder if the memo wasn't intended for me alone. I have more to say on this matter (and I know a lot will happen when that memo hits the consciousness of all people concerned). Suffice it to say that for the last 2 days waking up early has been an ordeal. And I am itching to do something wicked! (evil grin)

Stuff Keeping Me Busy Lately

2004-10-06T13:37:00.000+08:00

Supervision of Ortigas project
Two design proposals due last week
Random Pensieve and Gladeshadow blogs
Disciples II : Rise of the Elves (Legion Saga)
Double birthday celebration of my mom and youngest brother over the weekend
"Racket" alternatives

I Have Been Marquee-d!

2004-10-06T13:19:00.000+08:00

After trying it out for atleast 24 hours, I have decided to remove most (yes, i left out one item hehehehe), of the marquees that I placed in my blog yesterday.

It was fun putting the marquees in and seeing it work in the blog. For a non-web designer, it was a great leap towards "techiness". But, as a dear friend said, the blog has lost some of its seriousness. Hey, without that element of seriousness, the blog wouldn't be "me".

But the remaining marquee shall stay to remind me that life isn't all that serious. That a little idiosyncracy here and there is healthy. That putting a smile on one's face, as well as those of others, will make survival a little more bearable.

Here's to the marquee! May it make the world a more pleasant place to live in!

Coffee with Susy

2004-09-29T16:17:00.000+08:00

If there’s one person I love to always spend time with, it’s Susy.

It’s very rare that I get to meet this lady, now that she's living in Zamboanga City with her little angels.

That is why it is always such a delight to talk to her whenever she’s around.

I had this chance the other night, and I took it without hesitation.

I love the way she listens to people without judgment. Hers is an extinct race.

I love the way she questions without intimidation. There is no spite in her.

I love the way she shares her opinion, neither self-serving nor pompous.

I love the way she cracks jokes, and laughs at mine.

I love the way she accepts me for whatever I am.

I love the way she regards me as important to her.

I love the way she has turned out – a fine lady indeed.

I look forward to having coffee with her again. I don’t know when this would be, but it sure would be worth waiting.

2004-09-28T13:33:00.000+08:00

I seek to hear the beat
that rang from ancient drums

I seek to dance the rhythm
that echoed through the ages

I seek to chant the words
that flowed from wizened lips

I seek to live the Path
that sprang from hearts so true

To open my eyes and see

To open my mind and know

To open my heart and feel

To open my Self and Be

Atypical Day

2004-09-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

5:00 AM. Bedroom. San Mateo.

My mobile phone alarm just went on. Im the first one in the house to wake up - barely. 15 more minutes of stolen sleep...

7:30 AM. Building Lobby. Ortigas.

Sipping my second mug of coffee for the day. First stick of cigarette at hand. My eyes are still droopy.

9:45 AM. Paseo de Sta. Rosa. Laguna.

Breakfast at ChowKing. Had King's Special and Nai Cha.

10:30 AM. Taal Crater Lake View. Tagaytay.

Clear view of the crater lake. Couldn't stop for site-seeing. Meeting before lunch at Nasugbu, Batangas.

2:00 PM. Leslie's Restaurant. Tagaytay.

Late lunch. Leslie's has a great view of the crater lake. The view makes up for the lousy service and dulled glasses (sabong bareta nanaman ang ginamit nyo, ano?). Had my second stick of cigarette for the day. Had a light from the cutie at the other table.

3:30 PM. Road to Sta. Rosa Exit. Silang.

Buko pie at Colette's and pineapples along the road. Pineapples were so sweet.

4:30 PM. South Superhighway. Sucat.

Woke up to traffic. My butt hurts.

5:30 PM. South Superhighway Toll Plaza. Magallanes.

TRAFFIC! Received an SMS from Nhette. She'd been released from work. Good news. But my butt still hurts.

6:30 PM. Pasong Tamo Extension. Makati.

Just dropped samples for testing. Another cutie showed up. Sweet day.

7:30 PM. C-5. Pasig.

My butt really hurts so badly now. My leg is having cramps. Finished a pack of broas. Tired, tired, tired.

8:00 PM. Office. Ortigas.

Ready to fall asleep, AS IN!

The Amazing (g)Race

2004-09-22T17:02:00.000+08:00

I seem to be living my life daily like a race. Hell, in some days, like a rat race, even! There are always some deadlines to catch, goals to finish, dreams to fulfill. There are obstacles to hurdle, challenges to weather, and decisions to make. It's tiring most of the time and depressing some of the times. And in worst days, I can't help but want to quit.

But then again, there are days when the course seem smooth that I just breeze through it. Or, I'm so psyched up properly that nothing seems to bother me at all. It's those days that I can't help but think that LIFE IS GOOD!

But life ISN'T always good. Nor does life play fair. It's the harshest reality of life that in order to live, one must struggle. Survival of the fittest is the name of the game. It's a universal paradox that one must face death in order to live.

Dying to one's self and running life's race seem like an odd combination, but every athlete knows that these two come hand in hand. Every hurdle jumped and every lap ran requires a certain amount of letting go and risk-taking. A victory is not worth celebrating if gained without pain. No athlete is prouder than one who has the scars to show for his troubles.

And that is how I'm running my race. I stumble. I fall. I get hurt a lot. I win some. I lose some. I get battered by the elements, but I batter back. I run on, bruised and broken.

My only consolation is finally crossing the finish line, with head held high, amidst cheers of friends and loved ones in the crowd.

Everyday of my life is a race. Every day a leg to complete. Each day a new experience requiring a fresh infusion of grace and strength and hope.

S.O.W. and RE.A.P.

2004-09-13T17:21:00.000+08:00

I am going to embark on a new life program. I call it my S.O.W. and RE.A.P. Program. It stands for Start Of the Week and REview, Assess and Plan Program.

Its actually a two part program that will allow me to efficiently handle my time and track my progress in work and in life.

The program involves making a weekly plan at the start of the week (S.O.W. part). Its going to be basically a list of to-do stuff with a more or less detailed description of each activity or objective. Nothing new really. Nothing spectacular.

At the end of the week, the plan shall be reviewed and assessed as to how much of it has been accomplished and a new plan for the coming week shall be formulated based on this appraisal (RE.A.P. part).

I have never been random. I value order in my life. I love working with and in a plan. Any deviation makes me disoriented.

With this program, I hope to make something productive with my life. Pursue my life purpose. Make a worthwhile contribution to society. Change the world for the better...

... and now back to reality. Hehehe

Seriously, I just want this program to keep me aware of how much and how well I am spending my time. Nothing grand. No illusions. Just plain mensuration device for self-assessment.

In the end, only I could say that my time on earth was well spent. And this is how I plan to back-up my claim.

2004-09-09T14:45:00.000+08:00

Sullen is the road trudged alone
Heavy are the feet that walk in solitude
Time stands still for a weary soul
whose goal seems distant when no one's there to hold

Like a traveling staff to one who journeys
is a friend or a loved one ready to give solace
Like cool water drank from a stream
are words of comfort uttered by one who's sincere

RA's spears may burn or hurt
even as he gives life and light to the world
But as balm to the wounds are hands that care
even if at times chastisements they serve

Barren the land may be to one who searches not
But there is spirit even in grains of sand
Yes, love and joy are to be had in the warmth of others
But this is wisdom: life is a journey to be taken mostly on our own

2004-03-01T16:18:00.000+08:00

He's been there for at least thirty minutes. Just sitting there, and staring through me...

Oh, how I wish he'd say something, do something. Anything!

... While I stand here, right in front of him. Sunlight streaming through the windows. A gentle breeze cooling wet beads running down my side, creating a small puddle around me.

... Now he's pacing around the room. I can barely see his face, his head bowed, his mouth moving...

"I want to. I want to, but..."

... His hand reaches for his hair, holds it behind his head as if to tie it then releases it, falling over his face and hiding it from me again.

... A fly buzzes near me. It dares to come close. Its tiny feet dipping into the pool at my feet, now forming a rivulet as the uneven surface forces the liquid to flow to lower ground.

... He takes his place on that chair again. Now I can see his eyes. Yearning. His lips forming a thin line on his face. His hands clasped in front of him as his legs, slightly parted, jiggles. He's looking AT ME!

... My heart skips a beat. Everything inside me tingles as his stare runs all over me. I feel icy cold.

"Yes, come to me and do to me what was meant to be done," I wanted to say.

... He approaches. His left arm reaching for me. He brings me close to him. I can feel his lips on me. He tilts his head back a little.

... Oh what bliss! To be near him. To fulfill my destiny!

... Footsteps coming from outside the room. He hears them, but too late...

... "Kuya, bakit mo iniinom yang juice ko?! Kumuha lang ako ng coaster sa kitchen sandali eh."

... "Hindi, inangat ko lang kasi nababasa yung mesa. Lagot ka kay mommy nyan mamaya!"

... He handed me over to his sister and left the room.

... She puts me on the table, on top of the coaster. She sits herself on the same chair occupied earlier by her brother.

... Then, she looks at me...

FRIENDSHIPS THAT MATTER

2004-02-23T16:13:00.000+08:00

No matter what happens, no matter what comes about, one can be assured of a warm smile.

Truth, no matter how it hurts, if it will save the relationship, should be upheld.

The tongue is an organ difficult to tame. It often has a mind of its own, by-passing the authority of the brain and heart. Asking harms no one but he who does not ask. The mind plays games difficult to fathom.

Is it based on need? Do you let go because you feel you are not needed? Isn't it as selfish as letting go because you don't need the other person anymore? Who ends it? Who says its over?

2004-02-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

Reaching out and letting go.

Where does my path lead to? It's a crazy world I'm living now. Everything I've secured have fallen apart. It's like one giant wreaking ball gone loose over my life. Or a richter-tipping earthquake gone selective over which structure to demolish.

There is a threat to cut short my independence. All arguments point to a simple solution of letting go of the freedom I'm enjoying now. This is the easy way out. Pack up my stuff and move. But I'm not ready nor willing to give it up. I have invested too much. Planned too much. It's a "one step forward, two steps back" scenario. It ain't progressive. I am not letting go.

Which can't be said about my other comfort zone. I am at a loss. I have not intentionally done anything wrong. But i am sensing a lot of negative energy. Come to think of it, I haven't actually sensed anything but avoidance and a cold shoulder. Maybe there is a need to reach out. To ask. To find out. Bridge the gap. And if it fails, to let go. Or, what I should be letting go is this need to be reaffirmed. I am my own person. There is truth to the old adage, "tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are".

Nothing is final. The wind blows where it wills. I need more information before I could bend my future to my will. I need to be vigilant. Attune to warning signs around me.

What is important at this point is for me to reaffirm myself. Old beliefs are being shattered. New outlooks are being established. It's a major clean-up operation of my messy life.

2004-02-06T22:24:00.000+08:00

tonight i start my journey.

it took me a long time to realize this. what i have to do. what i have been seeking. tonight i finally realize it. meaning. this is what i have been looking for all these time. touch people's lives. this is what i've always wanted to do. to find recognition and acknowledgement in others by being a part of their lives. nothing could be more noble, and yes even selfish, than wanting to be part of someone else's life.

i've sought this in an earth-based belief system and it has led me, and continuous to lead me, into widsom i could have only imagined possible in books, movies and songs. i am still learning. part of this learning is the realization of what i truly want and seek. my belief system reinforces my life purpose, or passion if you will.

emptiness - the state of being empty. void - an absence of everything except space. and if there is space, there is room for filling. there are a lot of stuff competing for that space. each trying to occupy the most volume. each is necessary for growth, my growth. i seek to fill that space, not with trivialities or mundane matters, but with elements worth saving. each is a treasure worth keeping for a time. and when the moment comes to let go of these precious stuff, i pray for the strength to do so. i am human, after all. frail. yet strong if i decide to.

so i go on this journey. i have all i need to start. what is essential later on will be picked up along the way. one step at a time. what is important is that i make the first step.

tonight i start my journey.

Confusion

2004-02-03T17:16:00.000+08:00

mind in limbo, all thoughts scattered
can't think straight, no logic to be found
out of focus, can't decide
no direction, don't know why
restless and fidgety, staring blankly
options too many, choices so varied
which one comes first, and which one last
picking one is easy, if risks were not present

nagtatanong lang

2004-01-07T17:06:00.000+08:00

paano kung di ko alam ang gusto kong mangyari,
dapat bang hanapin, itanong, isangguni?

paano kung malaman ko'ng ayoko ng dapat kong gawin,
tatanggi ba ako o susunod din?

paano kung 'di umayon ang naisip kong tahakin,
tatanggapin ba ang bunga o iba ang sisihin?

paano kung sa huli'y naisip na 'di na dapat nagtanong,
may saysay pa bang ituloy ang saknong?

nagtatanong lang

Tribute to a Lady

2003-12-17T17:17:00.000+08:00

arms ready to welcome, heart brimming with love
hands open, giving more than she can
it is thus a wonder, that a gentle lady can be so tough
odysseus never faced such hurdles as she had
her feats are no mere herculean tasks
never afraid to cry, never hesitant to laugh
she carries her name proudly - MAMA -
a crown of glory on her head

What Could Have Been

2003-12-09T17:12:00.000+08:00

she never knew my heart beat for her
never saw how my eyes shone when i'm with her
she talked about the loves of her heart -
i was broken, yet i never wanted us to part

if only she had known then how i felt
heard the words i've so wanted sent
then things could have been different
enjoying the moments we could have together spent

but time passed, and i moved on
what could have been had not been born
i see now with eyes so changed
to love her still, my heart would be pained

then she comes, her arms ready to welcome
but her invitation i meet with the truth and then some
what could have been, can still be
if only she could accept the different me

The Man in My Life

2003-12-01T19:26:00.000+08:00

There is a man in my life.
No, he is not divinity, but I adore him.
First time I saw him, I fell in love instantly.
I looked into his eyes and knew that he will be in my heart forever.

It has been a week since I last saw him
And the separation pains me
Though apart I know we are connected
by a bond much stronger than touch

I live to learn FOR him what the world has to offer
To give him my utmost (as a famous book would put it)
Crazy as it may sound, I'd give up a lot to make him happy
He has made me happy by just being there

Miguel Antonio, the man in my life
He comes as a welcome breeze, a healing warmth
I am thankful forever for the gift
A wonderful blessing, my nephew Miguel

Homecoming

2003-11-19T09:34:00.000+08:00

2 days.

Thats how long I have to wait before I can finally board that winged contraption that will bring me back home. I cant wait. Im so excited. Coming home has always been my favorite and, ironically, hated, part of my job.

Everything seems to happen just when I am about to leave. So many things to plan and iron out. Why is it that people seem to have all the questions when I am about to turn-over the project? Why do they notice problems a few days before I leave? That item I have been following up since I first arrive on site seem to have just recently registered in their collective consciousness.

As if to add insult to injury, people in MY office seem to have all the excuses in the world for delays to my requests! To think THEY have been pushing me to finish this project immediately. As if they have no idea how things work, acting like they have just been informed of the completion when all the while they KNEW (and expected, mind you) this to be over by this time.

2 days.

After which, I will see Miguel (my new born nephew) for the first time. I will have to renew the contract for the house. Follow up my application with another company (ti hi :) ). Look forward to Christmas!

2 days.

2 long days.

Triple Peaks

2003-11-16T13:56:00.000+08:00

At a clearing in the forest realm of Earth,
I was set on a journey - to follow the unicorns
"across land, across sea, across desert"
- to a land of promise where the white flower blooms

A journey through the triple peaks, which Hekate has shown
three bright peaks, one after the other

"The teacher will appear when the pupil is ready"
Sophia, my counselor taking my hand

The blessings of Gaia as I walk through her land,
the gentle warmth of Amon-Ra to keep my resolve

Always the word "proceed"

M&M Crispy's wonder

2003-11-13T14:45:00.000+08:00

Have been very moody the past few days. found every reason to be irritated at work. had no appetite for food. nothing good on the cinema. got easily tired of walking around the mall. really bad week.

then came m&m crispy! and my outlook took a leap from melancholy to perky. yeah, its the sugar, but hey, anything to help get me off from brooding is welcome.

got great news too from the government agency i was coordinating. turns out my application for a permit got a positive nod except for some details not included in my responsibility. everything's rosy now. though im still feeling cheated. "underworld" isnt showing yet here (cdo) when all the posters said it should have started regular run yesterday. hmmm, was really excited to see the preview of LOTR: return of the king.

did some shopping too. isnt buying new pairs of socks very therapeutic? and new hair conditioner too! excited to listen to cds i bought earlier. hope they're good

Macumba (The Site, Limketkai Center, Cagayan de Oro)

2003-11-09T19:03:00.000+08:00

Who said I can't have fun while on the job? After playing billiards at Ralf's (Divisoria area), Steven (a CDO guy I met, who was kind enough to invite me out for a weekend night gallavanting) suggested we go visit The Site. There we met some of his friends (fashionistas and party animal all!!!!).

The Macumba is a small bar with hardly any space to call a decent dance floor. The bar itself serves as the ledge for those crazy or wild enough for some ledge dancing. The type of music played was very contemporary.

For someone who loves to dance, space is no problem. Jiving to the music. Filling in the light and the scents. Bumping bodies. Sweat. Liquor and cigarette. Heaven!!!!

The crowd is a mixed clientele. Snobbish young people. Clue-less old ones (gramps sure could jiggy!!!). Apathetic middle-aged (where I belong, reluctantly).

Left the place at around 3 am. Drunk from drinking 2 bottles of san mig light (hey, i have a low alcohol tolerance, so excuse me). Slept until 12 noon. Woke up with a clouded head and whizzy breath. Why is it fun only while it lasts?

child of the sun

2003-11-06T19:17:00.000+08:00

woke up this morning drenched in sunlight
RA, on his chariot, calling...

"awake, child, and to my voice hearken
live with a purpose, my purpose take as your own
to warm, to nourish, yes, even to scorch
for in this task you have been chosen
not due to merit, but to fate"

a vessel of power, not powerful in itself
god in person, reveling in humanity
palms upturned, healing sent forth
freshly awakened, the child of the sun

Musings

2003-11-05T16:50:00.000+08:00

just turned 28 last week. the day just went by. nothing spectacular really. just made me think, i've spent 28 years on this earth. felt varying degrees of joy, happiness, ecstasy, pain, sorrow, fear. met a lot of people of different languages and different cultures. gone to different places i've never thought i'd go before. did a lot of things i could only imagine before. 28 years.

2003-11-05T15:48:00.000+08:00

Severe allergies. Watery eyes. Runny nose. Irritated throat.

Spirit broken. Mind tired. Body shaken.

Going somewhere. Going nowhere. Straight road. Dark alley.

"you are so scattered, you need to collect yourself and put yourself together, this is where entropy fails because, unlike a shattered jar that cannot be made whole, you can be a new person again!"

2003-11-05T15:36:00.000+08:00

my first attempt into immortalizing my thoughts in cyberspace. hope those who get to visit this would appreciate "my moonlight pickings".